Since we removed Mia's crib railing, she's stopped taking her habitual 2 hour midday nap. She still naps, but she won't be down for nearly long enough to make it count. It's probably that when the crib railing was up, she'd wake up a few times during those two hours, but doze back off to sleep when she got bored. Now, she'll wake up and get up out of bed on her own and play quietly in her room for a while. It's nice, for us, to still have that little break in the middle of the day, but the less than 45 minutes she's down means that by around 5 o'clock, she's in a near meltdown state. I'd like to think that I am normally pretty levelheaded and patient with her when she's like this. I'll let her have her tantrum, ignore it, and she'll come back to me once she's done, saying "Ma (I'm) okay now, Mama" and climb on my lap to recover. But this Saturday, I found that I actually had to remove myself from the room while she was inconsolable. I sent her to her timeout mat, and marched straight up to my bedroom and planted myself face down on the length of the bed, and stayed there until I actually fell asleep. I woke up 40 minutes later, completely stunned as to why I was face down on the bed, when I heard B trying to prevent Mia from coming in the room. She, was completely recovered and fine, of course. I recovered my patience enough to deal with Mia, but not with the rest of... LIFE like dogs who want their food, or husbands who want to watch football all day, or annoying status updates on facebook. You know, the normal stuff.
It couldn't have been that one thing, but it was more like that afternoon, that particular tantrum, was the straw. August and September have been bad for us, financially. The thing with B's job is that it's not exactly predictable. Yes, he has a base pay, but when his numbers aren't there for the month, neither is the commission check at the beginning of the following month. So, generally, we know about 30 days in advance when the check isn't going to be its usual size. On the same token, he can also have stellar numbers, and we know that in about 30 days time, we'll have a bit extra. July and August were the former, which unfortunately, means that August and September were going to be bad. We've known that for a while and have completely cut out any unnecessary spending. Bills paid, but nothing left beyond that. Which, of course, is not a bad place to be, relatively speaking. But, it still takes a toll. So I'm counting down until September is over (and have been since August 1st), and October rolls around. B's September was amazing, and we should be getting about three times his normal commission amount, which should balance out our deficiencies. The lists of not extravagant but not necessary things that I've put off buying is building in my head (cleansing conditioner, face cream, eye cream, dry shampoo, lipstick). Things also on my list, but that still have to wait: shoes, pants, glasses. Thankfully, my paychecks have been on time and full sized since I've been working 5 days a week, every week. Without those, I would probably have broken down ages and ages ago.
Oh, and have I left out the part that made me feel justified in taking some of this frustration out on my husband? Last weekend, I was getting ready to go out for a girls night (my one splurge - paid for by Etsy orders) and was in my bra and underwear, undoubtedly while I was bending over or doing something equally as unflattering, my husband sighs and says QUOTE: "You have such a Mom body now."
[pause to let that sink in]
In that moment, I kind of let it go. I was trying to get myself out the door and looking as nice as possible to meet up with a group of girls I didn't know (except one). I ended up having a great time, so the comment didn't come up again until this weekend. I don't even know in what context I brought it up, maybe when I pointed out a pair of shoes that I really wanted and B reminding me (again!) that his car needed new tires, so shoes would have to wait. Maybe I said something real mature like: "What? They don't look like Mom shoes enough to match my MOM BODY?!?" Either way, I was belatedly incensed about the comment. He tried to explain himself, to say that he didn't mean it as an insult. Honestly, as I'm writing it out, I can't even remember how he tried to spin it because of how ineffective that spinning was.
Oh, and have I mentioned the trouble I've been having with my application to the Nevada Bar? Apparently, there's still missing about a gagillion things of mine because the post office stopped working, or because it's just too difficult to make note of my married name versus my maiden name, and this morning I got an email that just mentions that I have a week to get this straightened out or I will be DISQUALIFIED for the November swearing in, provided I pass the exam.
So, add to all that Mia falling out of bed at about 4:30 this morning, and then tossing and turning in our bed until 5:30 this morning, when she went back into her own bed because even my 2 year old had enough sense to realize how little sleep she was getting by resting her head on my throat. And of course, at 5:45, there goes B's work out alarm, and I've been awake since 4:30 and now he's going to work out in our room because me and my mom-body don't need any stinking beauty rest!
Before B left for work, he's all... "Um, honey? I know you're struggling and all, but I just kind of need to know you're okay before I leave." I'll be fine, nothing a few weekdays in a row won't fix. Amirite?
