I know it's been a LONG, LIKE SUPER DE DUPER LONG time since I've authored a post here. I hope Frenchie can forgive me. But tonight I have something on my mind and lately with how cutthroat Facebook has become, it doesn't seem the place for it. I know we have a small but friendly and powerful audience here, but I also welcome, in fact REQUEST that if this blog post hits your heart, that you share it in any way possible: your blog, another mommy blog, tell a friend, etc. Tim and I are at a junction where we are trying to decide if, when, and how to grow our family. And I have been told that in situtations like this, even though one's first instinct might be to clam up and stay low until everything blows over, the exact opposite is what you should, or in fact NEED to do. When looking for help growing your family in a non-traditional way, miracles are possible and at times more likely when more people hear your story.
Because of the heart trouble that happened when I gave birth to Tybalt, I have been HIGHLY discouraged from getting pregnant ever again. Some womens' doctors (ob/gyns as well as cardiologists) differ in their opinion, but because of the severity of my post partum cardiomyopathy compared to some other cases, both of my doctors say no. Or, in more clearer terms, "HELL NO."
This makes me sad. It makes me depressed. It makes me want to raise my arms to the heavens and say, "THANK YOU GOD FOR MY WONDERFUL AND HANDSOME MIRACLE BABY. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS, AND I LOVE YOU FOR GIVING HIM TO ME. DON'T GET ME WRONG THROUGHOUT ALL THIS--I HAVE FAITH, BELIEVE, AND AM VERY THANKFUL. ALL THAT SAID...WTH? YOU KNOW I DIDN'T WANT AN ONLY CHILD! YOU KNOW MY HEART AND 'WOMB' ARE ACHING AND THAT I CRY DAILY! I MAY ONLY BE ONE OF YOUR DAUGHTERS IN THIS WORLD OF BILLIONS, BUT PLEASE, REALLY, COULD YOU DO ME A 'SOLID' AND PUT ME UPWARDS ON THE LIST A BIT? I SWEAR ONCE YOU GET ME A KID YOU CAN TAKE ME AND PUT ME RIGHT BACK DOWN WITH THE REST AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PRAYER LIST. HELP ME HAVE ANOTHER CHILD! PLEASE, I BEG! SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY (THOUGH SAFELY FOR ME, SO NATURAL PREGNANCY IS PRETTY MUCH OUT, UNLESS YOU KNOW SOMETHING I DON'T. I NEED THIS GOD, I REALLY, REALLY NEED THIS. (And here's where I humbly admit that I'm a tiny bit pissed you haven't already just left one on my doorstep at this point, seeing I've been praying so long, and even when I'm not you're supposed to know the desires of my heart. Right?)"
So, Tim and I are planning on either adopting or trying to use a surrogate. I don't know much about the surrogacy process. I'm wondering if any of you out there know anything. Perhaps you've done it yourself or have a family member of friend who has? And when I say "done it" that could mean being involved on either end--using a surrogate to have a baby, or even being a surrogate for a couple. If this applies to you or someone you intimately know, could you possibly work on connecting us for an online conversation? I have SO many questions about it. My brain is just swimming.
As for adoption, it is obviously more widely practiced. And I visit many blogs of adoptive mothers to read their stories and get a peek into their lives. However, again, if one of you have been through adoption or know someone who has--either adopted or given a child "up" for adoption, I would really apprecaite the opportunity to connect with you/them online. Most of the bloggers seem too busy to really talk. Either that or they haven't really opened up for the chance to talk because they don't have contact information like an email address on their blogs, oddly enough.
Anyway, this post isn't meant to be a sob story. If someone is waiting for that kind of post in order to help Romeo and I, I guarantee if they wait long enough it will come. At this point, I'm really just kind of hoping that by putting this ponderance out into the universe and asking any of you readers who are willing to spread it further--as far as possible, that someone somewhere will see I am a loving and hopeful mother and woman, who is just fervently praying for the chance to have another child or two (twins! why not?) and that they find it in their heart to help me in my next step. Whatever that is!