Friday, April 11, 2014

The days (and nights) on my own

B's got several trips to take over the next couple of months, and he'll probably be gone for a grand total of two non-continuous weeks. These days on my own weren't much, they weren't much of a challenge but, 4 days is certainly enough to give me a taste of what being on my own means.

It turns out, I miss my husband more than I thought I would. Really! Coming into this week, I thought I would miss B, but I thought I would miss him in the parenting sense. In the, please help me while I give this child a bath sort of way. Someone to remind me not to walk out the door without Mia's lunch (which definitely happened. Twice.) I also thought that once Mia was in bed, I would enjoy my quiet evenings on my own. To watch whatever I wanted (and Oh, I did), knit for as long as I wanted, eat whatever I wanted. Flaming hot Cheetos and Guacamole -- both things he doesn't like-- were consumed.

Doing all of that glorious alone time stuff wasn't quite that I pictured it to be. Instead of missing B's extra set of hands, I found myself missing his company more than anything else. While Mia was up, I wouldn't think about it much. I'd do what needed to be done, get both of us dressed and fed and lunches packed. Same thing once we got home after work. But once I settled myself down on the couch after bedtime, ready to enjoy my alone time, I just... didn't. I'm not a mushy, sentimental kind of person. I don't mind sleeping alone, I enjoy going out to eat on my own, shopping on my own.

My French uncle, in response to my Brother's explaining that he and his girlfriend were in a long-distance relationship, said: "That sounds perfect. This way, you're not being bothered all the time." Sometimes, I might tend to agree with him. But it turns out, I'm not as pragmatic as I thought I was.

I couldn't relax. I felt unsettled, unfufilled, unsteady. I'd watch my bad tv without guilt, but also without much pleasure. I went to bed early. I slept, woke up before the alarm, but just... didn't feel right. It's all very strange, this co-dependence thing. I've been without B before, pretty often, usually when I'm travelling without him for whatever reason. Never like this, where I was meant to continue our little life without him in it.

Our life? It's only fun when he's around.

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