On adding a second to the mix

It's the eternal question. Once you get married, everyone asks themselves, when do we have a kid? You think of a million things. Finances, living situation, job situation, whether you have the time, the energy, the stability. When B and I first got married, we started trying 4 months later, and got pregnant immediately. We didn't think about it much, we threw caution to the wind and decided that there was never a good time to have a baby, so now was as good a time as any. Never, not a single moment of my life, have I ever regretted it. Not for a single moment do I wish we had postponed our decision, even while my closest friends have yet to do any baby making of their own.

Now that Mia is 2 1/2, my body is starting to physically feel ready to become pregnant again. Not that I'm back in tip top shape or anything, but I feel normal. Normal at my new, pudgy size, and comfortable. I'm healthy, I'm physically well, flexible, strong. I've been keeping up with a yoga DVD 2-3 times a week. Nothing complicated, nothing terribly challenging, but my body is feeling good. 

The rest of me is starting to come around to the idea of adding this mythical second child into the mix. B and I are ready to love someone else, to take care of someone else. We're probably not ready for the lack of sleep, constant attention, and general high maintenanceness of a baby, but honestly, nobody every is. What we are ready for, though, is for that mythical non-existing second child to grow into a toddler, a child, a generally awesome member of the family. And that's what you're really getting, isn't it? Once you're out of the baby phase, the cute, cuddly, exhausting baby phase, you're getting an energetic, wonderful child. 

That part, I do feel ready for. I do. But the part that requires a larger car, a second daycare payment, and dividing my attention away from my very real, very clingy two year old? That, I am not ready for. The former two reasons, practical considerations... it's just money. It can be worked out, with time, it will be just fine. But the latter, 3rd reason? This part is what I still struggle with.

Of course, I know what the benefits are of having a sibling. A playmate for life, another family member, someone to team up with against your parents, someone to share Christmas morning with, and everything else that comes along with that. But I am so scared that adding another kid would take away so much of what Mia gets now. Undivided attention, no competition for lap space, time, patience, praise, everything. I feel so guilty for taking some of that away from her. She won't understand, and I'm terrified of how she'll react. In reality, and in my heart, I know she'll be fine. She's a sweet, sweet girl, who tucks her dolls in and shows empathy. She may have a wicked temper, but she always wants everyone to be happy.

In reality, it's not her I'm worried about, it's me. A big part of me wants to give all my time, attention, love to her and only her. But another, equally large part of me wants another sweet, loving, sassy, happy human being to join our happy little family. Someone for all three of us to love.